Reflections

Letting Go {amidst the purls and the knits}

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I must confess…

Letting go has never been easy for me. I hold too tightly, keep myself from change.

But in knitting…

If you hold too tightly, if you don’t let go, then you will never make a stitch. You can’t make any kind of progress at all.

It’s a simple enough concept, but I keep coming back to it. When I started knitting, my kids were sick with the flu. My son got it first. He was so sick. Sick with a high fever every night until Advil calmed it down.

Holding tight to our babies-that’s what mamas do best. I’m not suggesting letting go in any sense. 

But for me, I had to let go of the fear. The worry of, “Will he be ok??”. I wasn’t in charge of his healing. I had to trust that my prayers of petition to God and my limited ministrations would get him through.

And he did. He got over the flu. In spite of my fears and the paranoia fed by constant news updates telling me how horrible the flu is for children. (Thanks NBC.)

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But back to knitting. I know I’ve been talking about knitting a lot. And that’s just because I’ve been doing a lot of it.

On vacation I knit square after square. It’s so grounding and therapeutic and easy to do while riding in the car, visiting with family. As a person who fidgets, knitting is bomb.

When I began learning how to knit, my work was a tangled mess. My stitches were loopy. I couldn’t figure out the direction of the needles. I would get nervous once I had formed thread on the needles, dreading letting go. Dreading the wrong stitch.

Isn’t that just how life is? We don’t want to mess up. So we hold on to things. We hold on and hold on, telling ourselves,”I can’t do that. I don’t want to fail. I don’t have what it takes”. 

But that’s wrong. I’m in the wrong for thinking that. I can’t is powerfully debilitating.

I can’t

It can cripple your life.

Your will.

Your desire to grow.

To be a stronger & better version of you. 

I’m not saying that who you are is not good enough. No, never. 

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What I mean is that you will fulfill whatever prophecy you proclaim for your life.

If it is “I can’t do that“, then you won’t.

If it is “I’m afraid to try“, then it will keep you from new experiences.

I say these things from experience. I say them because I’ve believed “I can’t” about things for far too long. Because I’ve allowed fear instead of a desire to be vulnerable and different and broken to pervade my life. To control me.

I’ve feared letting go.

And I can fear it no more.

It’s time for change.

Bring on spring.

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This poem is my own.

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Reflections

The pain in the quiet, healing flow

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Good afternoon everyone! I mentioned in my last poem post that I wanted to share some more recent poetry.

So today I’m opening up and sharing some of the difficult moments and emotions of motherhood.

Motherhood isn’t all hard days. But then wow. Some days hit you and the emotions are through the roof.

I wrote this last November when I was going through some very hard moments. Internally all these emotions were fighting to get out. To be heard and dealt with.

I never write to be pitied. I write to put struggle to page. Sorrow to ink. I write so that what is broken can begin to be mended.

Maybe this will strike a cord with someone. I hope this sharing of personal struggle can minister to someone’s soul and spirit.

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Still Mother

 

In real pain

Do we mother.

Do we act

And do we slumber.

 

A hot tear dashed away

When no one can see

The pain that it is

To mother.

 

When the days stick

Together.

Mind wrapped in fog

Thicker and thick.

 

Yelling names

Crushing my heart

Over and over

I endeavor to teach.

To teach what it means

To be kind.

 

Be kind to me.

For my job is not easy.

I’m full of wounds

But I know how

To heal.

 

He taught me once

He teaches still.

 

The pain that it is to mother.

Oh child, be still.

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This poem is my own. All pictures are from Unsplash.

Reflections

Poet’s Heart.

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I’ve been looking through old poems and came across the one I wanted to share today. Well. I didn’t want to share it initially. I felt the nudge, the push to share it but I fought it for awhile.

This poem means a lot to me. It was written in my early 20’s not long after my Grandpa passed away. I was already familiar with depression. But this was different. This was worse. I was dating my (later-to-be) husband and the joy of our relationship was a deep feeling in itself. In spite of this I found it difficult to balance my emotions.

There is no correct formula in life. But sometimes I like to sit down and ask myself deep questions, figure things out. This is how much of my poetry is written and I imagine other poets might think the same.

I enjoyed sharing my other poem “Nothing Is a Mystery” (you can read about that post here) so I thought I would share another. I need to get back to writing more poetry so I can share some recent ones.

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~*~

Perspicuous Heart of Mine

 

Bleeding heart,

Bruised heart.

I’m suprised you feel

A thing.

You sort through

All my thoughts.

You sift through

So much pain.

Where is your limit?

Does sorrow

Have a bottom?

Does happiness

Have a boundary?

Is grief eternal?

How many wounds

Does time heal?

Only some…

Or none at all?

Why do you suffer so?

Why does happiness

Or joy

Not stay long with you?

How I wish you weren’t so sad.

Moon

And sun.

Sorrow

And perfect ecstasy.

It’s ying and yang

But not with you.

Can’t you open up?

Sorrow and Love.

Keep them equal.

Mirror images

Dancing on a line so thin.

-*-

~Rachel

Reflections

A Rainy Day Poem of Yesteryear

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We have had an insane amount of rain lately. At times one of my old poems comes to mind as it did today. So I wanted to share it. It is truly from yesteryear…written over a decade ago in my teen years. I did alter it slightly for clarity.

This poem is about storms, mysteries and my relationship with my Heavenly Father.

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Nothing Is a Mystery

The sky

Is 42 shades of grey

Come what may

A storm won’t make me cry.

I smile when

The clouds break

Then in a minute-give or take

The earth soaks in H²0.

Thunder dispels my fear

God’s power is in the storm

This is my refuge, my dorm

To know the God of all the earth

Holds me dear.

How I love

This moment, how I hold it dear.

My Creator-God

In all majesty.

A redeeming Lamb

He died and shed blood for you, For me.

I’m not a scholar, but I know this key…

Jesus took all the blame.

Romans 8:1 is a breath of peace

I was shown the way, a place

To release.

How I love You, God, how I need You.

I know not what to do.

Lord, our lives seem so full of trouble.

But really, we’re so enclosed in

A bubble.

Break us free.

So we can be

Everything You set us out to be.

Please change me.

Bring me beyond

All the boundaries

Make me free to

Live.

See the rain,

I’ll never know some things

But I know Someone who knows all.

I have a long line of questions

One day I will see the One

Who knows all mysteries.

Job 36:22-33

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~Rachel