I really hate poopy diapers. Not always, mind, but much of the time.
It happens at inconvenient times. At least, inconvenient to me.
As if to prove this point my daughter, reeking of dirty diaper, sat down right next to me as I began this post.
So I got up to change her, as I always do. As must be done. As is my duty as a mother.
But let me ask you. As a mother, do you ever feel resentment when confronted with this? Frusteration? Feel inconvenienced?
Sometimes I forget that my daughter is not toliet-trained like her brother. And giving her the care she needs seems hard.
Maybe that’s the seasonal depression talking. It happens in the winter. I know I’m not the only one in that. I know that January is a hard month to be a mom. Fyi It’s often difficult to blog during this month. When its cold and when isolation and sickness bring challenges.
But that is not the point of this post.
Awhile ago I started reading Desperate: Hope for the Mom Who Needs to Breathe, by Sarah Mae and Sally Clarkson. I fought with the idea of reading it. I knew reading would push me, change me. And I didn’t know if I was ready for that.
But finally, 10 chapters in I feel like I am getting somewhere. And I feel like I’m maybe beginning to learn.
Ok, but what’s that to do with poopy diapers?
“The ability to last in motherhood requires giving up expectations for our own lives, deciding that sacrificing our desires and wants for the sake of our family is our gift of worship to our heavenly Father.”
-from Desperate, Chapter 10 by Sarah Mae and Sally Clarkson
One day after reading the bulk of chapter 10, I looked at my daughter who had decided to fill up her britches. I was im the middle of something, but instead of feeling inconvenienced I felt a mental shift. I found I could manage a smile instead of a frown.
This is not always the way of things. I am no Mary Poppins. Human I am, human I will remain. But that brief blip. That small, slight shift. I hope it will become more and more a part of me as I seek to treasure my children. Treasure not just the happy and the beautiful moments but also the difficult, the hard times.
Not because I’m some kind of higher-than-thou person. But because to learn to treasure my role as a mother I need to continually learn the art that is shining light where there is dark. A smile in the face of a challenge. Gladness of heart in the face of trying circumstances.
Motherhood is balance. And I think what I’ve most struggled with is the idea that to be a good mom, I need to give up on taking care of me. Which is misplaced. I don’t have to give that up to be a good mom. It’s not my time or my self-care that needs to go but my negative thinking that damages my relationship with these sweet babies I love so much.
Perfect mom syndrome? Haha far from it! (A fly on the wall today would have seen something else entirely.) But I’m learning. One step at a time 🙂
All photos are from Unsplash.